Back.

I'm not apologising for not posting for almost a year, but I may use this blog to post my thoughts on life...or not.

 It has just been hard to keep this up when most of my views on everything don't need to be posted under anonymity anymore. Anyhow, I'm still bi, I'm still a student at the Y...so that's my update. 

The truth is...

I hate how society rewards all the nice, overly sweet, fake people in the world. What happened to rewarding being oneself? Nice is -not- a personality trait. It's a state of holding back what's really on one's mind.

*I hate it when I do everything to be part of someone else's lives and they make no effort in return.
*I hate it when people laugh at jokes they don't even think are funny just to fit in.
*I hate it when people don't recognise me and are nothing but jealous of me.
*I hate it when I get shunned because I'm the only one that knows the truth, and is willing to speak it.
*I hate stupid people.
*I hate 99% of society, because they enable this crap. I am the 1% that sees people for what they are: brainless zombies.
*I -love- myself.

Alright, that felt great.

Coincidence?

Not a week after I post this image on my Facebook wall, my friend tried to off himself.

RIP MoHo era (2006-2012)

      'Tis a new beginning that is coming our way. After the smashing success of the BYU panel on Homosexuality and the "It Gets Better" video, there is a sleek, brand-new, mainstream, Mormon-friendly version of LGBT exposure that's rocking the LDS world. Gone are the days of undue secrecy and constant silence. Gone are the days of sharp distinction between the hetero realm and "everybody else". Heck, it's the in-thing at BYU to be pro-gay, with all the cool kids having at least one LGBT friend. Even the struggles in the blogs have shifted from internal struggles and doctrinal questions to mostly outside battles (coming out, dealing with/bettering society, being a voice for others, etc)

     Also, the LDS LGBT contingent of which I'm aware has also become rather tame and non-threatening. A lot of them cling to God/spirituality and the hopes of having a Hallmark Card family with the spouse of their choice.  Instead of the bitterness and never-ending gloom, a new sense of optimism has taken hold. 

BYU Students: It Gets Better

BYU paraphernalia? Check?
Tons of BYU students coming out of the closet? Check.

Invented Crises.

I'm gonna make an admission here: When I was in middle school, I was so desperate for folks to like me that I told a couple of folks that without their friendship, I'd have already killed myself. That was a total lie. I'm the kind of guy that would never dream of going that far. However, that lie got everybody feeling sorry for me...and I milked it for all it was worth. For about 2 years, I was guaranteed a seat in the "hip and cool folks" table because I conned a couple of them into believing that. However, I realised that doing so puts me at the mercy of others' pity and that meant I was subservient. 


When it hit me that those I considered "hip and cool" were really losers with no future in life, I decided to end contact with them and be real for once. That's why I always strive to be 100% ME and be as honest as I can be, at the risk of people hating me. I rather be hated for what I am, than tolerated for what I pretend to be. My advice is not to try and please people who've already decided not to like you for any reason. Nothing you do will change their minds. They're not worth your time and it will only lead to gigantic let-downs. 

Quick to friendship?

What bothers me tons is when people assign the word "friendship" to any kind of relationship in which the two parties involved have met each other in person less than 3 months before and have made mostly shallow interaction. That's not significant enough to assign the word "friendship". Most likely, you're a "glorified contact", nothing more. This is what I'd like to call the "cheapening" of friendship, where affection is given away wholesale without regard to depth and understanding.

Another big violation in my eyes is the constant focus on the word "love". It means what? I hate saying it, but it's thrown around much more than the pigskin in 5 NFL seasons. If you say you "love" someone in a context outside of jest, unless it's some dear family member or someone with whom you've grown together in a relationship of respect and meaning (be it a significant other or a real friend), it's frankly insulting to the intelligence.

I'm not anti-love or anti-friendship for that matter, I'm simply pro-sincerity.  

Surrounded by idiots?

I often wonder the point of being nice to people when all your best efforts yield no fruit. I try talking to people and being pleasant and all I get is more of the same. I have about 3 friends within a 20 mile radius. Impressive, eh? Considering that number is actually lower than about 6 months ago, I think I see what's going on.

Well, a good part of it is that folks are so dang close-minded, and frankly, fake here. So many folks I've thought would make great pals have turned around and shoved the dagger behind me. It aggravates me. I try finding redeeming values for the people here...and that's harder than finding Charlie Sheen at a Mensa meeting, or the next Dalai Lama amongst the Spice Girls. It's really stunning when I realise that I've spent almost a year here and no progress have been made. I've -never- been one to have hatred until lately. I've had a happy childhood with parents who love me, but I cannot tolerate being treated like utter trash time and time again. It drives me sick, and I'm so much better than that. Self-esteem is always something that really delivers. If I had less of it, I'd be hating myself right now, so I'm extremely lucky and blessed.

For my dear readers who have been loyal to me for the last 2 or so years, you are all amazing folks. My advice to all of you guys is to remember who you are and never compromise your self-respect and your beliefs at any cost. I compromised and it has led down the path of hopelessness. So, to end this, to all my friends and family, no matter where you live, you mean something to me. For everybody else, I have nothing for you.

Little Pleasures in Life.

I received an e-mail informing me about this short flick called, "The Wedding Dance". It shows a son who has immense love for his parents. It's rather touching. 

The link is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp6oUb0_DlY

Please help the film-maker by donating even a $1 (the link is in the Youtube description). A new project is in the works, and they need your help!

Baby Mania/Gay Spirituality

          It's total irony when I see that the bulk of the enthusiasm shown toward having children come from gay men as opposed to the straights, at least in my observation...and you know what? It makes sense. Maybe in the Mormon context in which I view things, this has relevance. A side-effect of the relentless cultural pressure to have children within Mormonism is that straight couples see children as an obligation rather than a treasure. Many gay men are especially deprived from cultural acceptance with having children from many angles. First, is the religious community tending to demonise them. Second, a negative association with pedophilia exists. Lastly, while many are willing to tolerate lesbians raising children, there isn't a similar tolerance toward homosexual guys. So, while many in the community choose not head down the fatherhood path, those who choose so tend to be passionate about it, most likely owing to a sense of holding dear something so elusive and universally maligned by our society.

             Likewise, an evident spirituality can be seen in many gay men who choose this part of their lives (a relationship to God/Higher Power) to keep intact.  To me, these guys are worthy of much respect. Once again, in the LDS context, spirituality for straight men is tied with privilege. Their rewards for spirituality are leadership positions, a hot trophy housewife (or 50, in the afterlife), and general praise within the conservative religious community.  No such comparable incentives for spirituality are available for gay men, so props to them! In many ways, though, I'm not shocked. Yeah, it's a pretty gross and stereotypical generalisation, but spirituality is more within the feminine domain, and many homos are in touch with it all. In all seriousness, when I hear a gay LDS man pray (and I say this with no condescension), I hear a soul calling out to a distant god in heaven to listen to him, which is actually kinda cute. When I hear a typical/douchey straight Mormon guy (NOT ALL STRAIGHTS, BTW) pray, it seems like he's simply having a conversation with a buddy from the bowling alley who's gonna give him an ace F-150 the next morning. 

A Few After-USGA Thursday Thoughts...

So, Carol Lynn Pearson came to the Y to speak. It was an enlightening experience to hear her perspectives about Mormonism and Sexuality.

Here are some bits from her fireside that stood out:
*We are all heroes on a path to find the elixir that heals all. What is that elixir? She never really specified what it is, but I personally think the journey is the elixir itself. Our journeys to gain respect, to find and give love, and to truly know who we are and our strengths are all what really matter in the end.
*We must be thankful for what we have today that many of our gay, lesbian, trans, queer, or bi brothers and sisters simply lacked. We have a society that is more open, understanding, and sympathetic. 
*What was really touching was her love of Christ...and all that He has done to reach out to each and every one of us, even if we ourselves think we are undeserving. 
*She also counseled us not to make "stupid" choices. Our religious beliefs may have evolved, but our common sense should still exist.
*We must make our voices heard, be it in the church, out of it, or in between. The world may be a scary place, but we can foster communication if we simply grow some balls and be brave.
*If we look back at all the mistakes we have made in shunning the vulnerable amongst us, we shall look back in shame.

Empathy

When one gets wrapped up in utter disdain for any fellow human being, we lose sense of what makes them tick, why they are what they are. It takes a big person to have the balls (or ovaries for the ladies amongst my readership) to forgive. 


Oftentimes, I've been so overcome with freedom in, at last, letting myself simply let go and start over. I've realised that there those with shittier lives than I do...and I shouldn't be so judgmental. 

It doesn't take much.

The standards for happiness tend to be overly raised. I'm not gonna simplify things and say that the depths of sorrow are caused by the phenomenon of high expectations, but high expectations ain't exactly deterrents. The best moments in life come not in the big victories, but the little treasures we find in the sands of our experiences.  


1. I like coming up with unique ways of saying things. 
2. Humor is a big component of my life. I tend to be drawn to the cheesy as well as the exaggerated. It just works. 
3. I enjoy breaking social mores with the same enthusiasm in which I follow them. Those whom I'm around are key. 
4. Folks who know me well all have differing opinions of me. That chameleon side of me exists, for good or ill.
5. Be not scared of testing limits, defying expectations, and conquering stereotypes. You've got a life...live it. 

Utah v. Everywhere Else. (OKCupid answers)

Alright, so I compared the answers than those in Utah put against what I see from other places. There are some interesting patterns (none of this is scientific, so take this with a 300 ton grain of rock salt) that I see amongst the queers in Utah that look rather peculiar compared to the general population.

How do you feel about kids?

Those in Utah tend to answer that they "love kids" at a higher rate than anywhere else.

Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?

Those in Utah are MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more likely to say "no".

Your significant other is perfectly content with their minimum wage job and has no plans to look for more challenging/better paying work. Is this a problem?|
Utahns seem more likely to bail in this scenario than others.How do you feel about age differences in relationships?

Utahns seem much more tolerant about age differences than the general population.

How do you think your sex drive compares to what is typical for other people of your age and gender?

There seems to be greater instances of "above average" in the Beehive State than what I observe elsewhere.

You're in a romantic relationship with someone you really like. As far as you're concerned, how long will it take before you'll have sex?

In the "mission field", it usually takes 6+, but the threshold is lower in Utah.

Other Notes:

*There is less propensity to like "cuddling" outside Utah and greater intolerance of cuddling between friends who are in relationships, but not with each other.

*There is greater propensity in the "mission field" of "replying selectively/very selectively" to messages...while Utahns tend to "reply often".

*Lower kinkiness to compensate for greater general sluttiness in Utah.

The next generation...

Queer Cinema (SPOILERS INSIDE)

Ok, so ever since I got a Netflix account, I now have the opportunity to watch queer films. The 3 that stick out to me will be discussed here:

1. Lucky Bastard (written by Everett Lewis)

This is about a successful home designer, Rusty (Patrick Tatten) who is generally bored and dissatisfied with his life. While his bf Daniel (Johnny Kostrey) is out of town, Rusty meets a drifter, Denny (Dale Dymkoski), who engages in rampant partying, drug abuse, and indiscriminate sex. These 2 set out to have an illicit affair, where Rusty uses Denny to gain excitement in life, while Denny uses Rusty to get cash to support his meth addiction. In the end, Rusty realises that there is no growth with Denny and lets him go and goes back to a life of stability.

I like this flick for a couple of reasons:

*Timothy Cole plays Rusty's straight best friend Garrett. He ends up being the funniest, most charismatic, and cutest guy in the whole film (Patrick Tatten's Rusty is still the hottest, though). 

*Lucky Bastard really highlights the dark side of gay life. There is a reason why many social conservatives still despise the community and we need to be aware of the problems that affect the LGBT world in order to address them. I am really glad that Rusty chose to cut ties with that loser and leech Denny and come back to the life and the boyfriend who always served him well. I'm a sucker for happy endings. =]

2. Shut Up and Kiss Me (written by Ronnie Kerr)

The writer of this flick, Ronnie Kerr, stars as Ben, a lovesick dreamer who simply years for companionship and love. He goes through many duds till he meets Grey (Scott Gabelein), a charming man who he sees jogging everyday. Ben falls for Grey, but there's one catch: Grey refuses to be monogamous and outright warns Ben early on that he will screw around with other men, no questions asked. Ignoring it, Ben starts a relationship with Grey, only to be extremely hurt when Grey follows through with his inclinations to sleep with others. Breaking it off, Ben swears to never let Grey back into his life. However, he gets a change of heart and decides to accept Grey for who he is and reconcile with him.

I liked this film for these reasons:

*Shut Up and Kiss Me illustrated an example of the sacrifices we make for love. Ben, a romantic, thought that he could find someone who would always be faithful to him. Reality set in and he finds that what is truly important is having someone who is there when it counts and someone who is upfront. He knew that shutting off Grey would mean shutting off a chance at having that kind of relationship.

*Ben's friends were an awesome support system. They ran the gamut from a straight married couple, an adventurous straight girl, a bitchy gay (or bi) guy, and straight boy jock. However, they all cared about Ben and simply wanted the best for him...even if isn't always obvious.

*Ronnie Kerr's Ben is the most adorable fictitious gay guys I've ever seen (with Scott Evans' Fish being a close second). Ben's smile and gentle, meek nature make you want to just take him home and adopt him and protect him from the evil world. Seeing him weep in the break-up scene was quite the "aww" moment.

3. Role/Play (written by Rob Williams)

A gay ex-soap star, Graham Windsor (Steve Callahan), runs off to a resort after being outed by a sex tape that led to him losing his job. He meets gay activist Trey (Matthew Montgomery) who was disgraced after his marriage fell apart. As they fall in love, they journey through the lies and heartaches that hound them.

This what I liked about this film:

*Steve Callahan and Matthew Montgomery are a real-life couple, so one would expect the acting to be awkward. However, they made the chemistry work and made me care about Graham and Trey.

*It taught us that we can heal from the past by owning up to our shit and overcoming the machinations that took us there.

I recommend all 3. They all kick ass.

Make up your damn minds, folks.

Society needs to get its stereotypes right. I've heard this phrase thrown around: "No wonder he's gay. He's so nice."

I've also heard this phrase being said: "No wonder he's gay. He's so bitchy."

So, what is it? Nice or bitchy?

Yep, I did.

I must be one of the last folks in the world to have not watched the Prayers for Bobby flick. I had the chance to watch bits of it last Thursday and the rest Friday morning. Pretty moving flick. Ironically, I connected more with the mother (played by none other than Sigourney Weaver) than with Bobby. Her desperation rooted in the fear of having the family not full in the afterlife and the push-and-pull adventure with her personal journey with faith resonated with me.  The film should be informative for many "new" to the LGBT community, without steering into the preachy category. 




I think it's important that we keep on bring more love into this world.  Who may need it one never knows.

The whole world is watching...

Imagine yourself the biggest celebrity in the world. Your every move is put into scrutiny. Any misstep on your part will be a matter of public record. 


With that in mind, in our "outing" culture, it seems that everybody who is rumored to be gay, bi, anything but straight is pressured by the media and by the general public to "come out". Perez Hilton and his antics are only the tip of the iceberg.


Exhibit A-> Here's an "It Gets Better" video made by Zac Quinto (of Heroes fame):

I found it to be a thoughtful, sweet message of hope to any young guy or girl going through a rough patch when it comes to this life, but the Gay Mafia had to relentlessly attack him by calling him "two-faced", "damaging to the cause", as well as "duplicitous" for supposedly being in the closet while putting himself out there as a supporter of LGBT rights. Regardless of his sexuality (which he is frankly entitled to privacy on that matter), we shouldn't be tearing anybody down just 'cause they're not standing on top of the Empire State Building waving a rainbow flag and making out with a member of the same sex.


Exhibit B-> Here's a video of Matt Bomer (of White Collar) discussing his children in the daytime show Today.

Once again, instead of being happy for who seems to be a proud father who cares for his kids, the Pink Lynch Mob went after Matt for supposedly "hiding" his same sex partner with whom he's raising those kids. What happened to human decency? As someone who was outed to his family, I don't take kindly to anyone being "forced out". 

What is Love?

Cheesy mid 90's music aside, I've always pondered that question. What is it that love consists of?

Is it:

*Mutual respect?

*That song that's stuck in your head that won't ever leave...and you're OK with it?

*An assurance that somehow, someway, there's someone out there that has your back?

*Being safe in an unforgiving world?

*Being comfortable with yourself and the environment that surrounds you?

*Picking yourself up after letdowns and taking charge?

*The cool breeze from the A/C during midsummer?