Anyhow...

I've always been fascinated by the differences between people. One of my fave activities is to just observe and analyse somebody, so that I know how to interact with them. My skills in this arena get impaired in big crowds and I tend to fall silent since it's hard for me to adjust to each and every person in the room...so I tend to withdraw and keep a lot of my thoughts to myself since I can't tailor to each individual.

Chaotic, but that's how it goes.

Ever wondered what it would be like to be another person? Can that even be imagined?

This won't be a Politically Correct post.

I want no kids. I have no interest in raising any. Babies are cute, though...as long as I won't have to feed them or change their diapers. However, once they start walking, it's off to boarding school, dudes. 


Here's why:
*Having kids means feeling the added pressure to provide well for them...and that would cause me unending grief, considering my current pressures right now.
*Kids are loud. 
*No offense to single parents out there who have found ways to make it work, but I see myself being single for some time...and that I think it's not the ideal way kids should be raised.
*Kids are hyperactive and demand copious amounts of playtime and it's not in my personality to provide that.


Here's why I may need kids:
*Social Security and Medicare are both going bankrupt...and kids are a good insurance policy.

New Direction

Tomorrow, I start the next adventure of my two-decade existence. I've learned a lot from my time in my current city. I've made 2-3 new friends here and learned tons about myself. I've learned to assert myself a bit more and not to worship at the altar of any one person (in the figurative sense). Everybody has their flaws and nobody should ever think they are above such. One of my biggest pet peeves are those whose egos are out of control that they are blind to their own faults yet can't help but lord their alleged superiority on to others.

Anyhow, I'm also working on being someone folks can rely on to have their back. In the cause of being there for others, I always am a believer. 

Janus

             I've been called "The most conservative liberal", and in many ways, the description fits. It seems like I tolerate all forms of vice (in the Mormon sense, like drinking, rampant sex, etc.) in others that I deny myself. I have a distaste for being around people under the influence, yet would fight for their rights to be in that state. What is inducing my need to live a quasi-puritanical lifestyle while flinching at the thought of it being imposed on me? 

             I've always been a silent rebel. I break rules under the guise of anonymity or stealth...or maybe I'm just a contrarian, opposing anything and everything that the majority loves. Maybe, it's my love for the underdogs. That's it. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for those who are truly bullied, marginalised, or harassed. Whatever.

I wanna make my mark on the world, though I gave up trying to change it. If I could support just one person in his/her quest to take on this harsh, cruel world...that would be enough. 

The power of humility.

            One of the biggest items of hindrance for me has been my insistence in worrying about things that often become irrelevant over time. Yeah, according to some folks, that's one of the biggest markers of my personality. I guess it's this unquenchable need to control everything so that I don't end up getting caught off guard. Ironically, whenever I do so, things end up blowing up in my face...so maybe I need to not control things in order to have control over them.

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           One of my biggest problems with the way some folks act is their insistence on putting themselves up as examples to be followed or saints to be praised when they really offer nothing of any real worth. The awful thing about it is that there are many that fall for the trap and end up worshipping these false saints. There is this guy named "Nathan" (identity changed to protect the not-so-innocent) in my former Singles' Ward. Nathan came back from his mission with an ego that would make Donald Trump blush. Secure he was in his "position" in his family, his employment and his schooling, Nathan was the darling of those that surrounded him. I saw right through the B.S. since Day 1, but folks were hell-bent in defending the heck out of him and even dared to call me "jealous". Well, he found himself engaged to some airhead Mormon Princess who dropped out of school and was basically counting on being dependent to him...and he liked having that weak girl worship him in the same mode that his friends did.

            Well, the engagement fell apart...and news came out of their pre-marital sexual relations. They could no longer get the temple wedding...and eventually the wedding was called off and folks saw Nathan for what he really was: a douche. After the countless Testimony Meeting spiels about the importance of being holy and of the Temple, the fake image waned and the truth came out. Here is my reaction on the inside:

I really have no malice against Nathan, though. I want him to grow some and become a more humble person.

Return With Horror

            Nope, it wasn't unusual seeing a rather distraught demeanor coming from Paul Roberts. Disheveled hair, eyes that make no focus, and clothes that seem ill-pressed all were features surrounding him. It was a lovely summer day in which the sun made no display of shyness. The airport was filled with anxious folks waiting for their suitcases and family and friends greeting their loved ones whom they haven't seen in a while. 

           

            He looked far and wide for familiar faces in the crowd, but couldn't see anybody. Thinking he needed to pass the time, he found a seat and pulled out a photo album of his ill-fated 10 months in Minneapolis. The wonderful memories of the friends he made was overwhelmed by the stormy situation that clouded his mind. Too much to bear, indeed.  Quickly stuffed back into the bag was the album. Elder Roberts' baggage wasn't just physical. Also in his bag was a copy of the letter he sent his parents; it held the reason why his parents would see him much sooner than they expected. No letter was sent in response. The vacuum of communication drove Elder Roberts bonkers. Millions of possibilities dwelt in his head, all competing for attention and contemplation. 

           A young mother in her mid-20's took the two spare seats to left of Elder Roberts. She put her baby carrier beside her and played with her daughter. She noticed the obvious discomfort of the young man to the right her. 

           "Is anything the matter?" she asked, then noticing the unmistakable nametag, she immediately followed with "You must be nervous heading home after everything you've been through. It's quite a transition. My husband took time to adjust, too. He loved it out there in Scotland."

           "You have no idea," answered Elder Roberts. "It's quite an embarrassment, though, I've had about a year left, but here I am," His friendly smile failed at masking his despair. The woman nodded her head and had pity in her heart.

            "My brother was in the same situation. Bobby needed a kidney transplant and it was tough to have it done there in Guyana. There's no shame. By the way, do you mind if I breastfeed my little princess while I wait for my mom's plane to land?" Laughing, Elder Roberts consented, then he went on to explain his situation while the lady popped out a tit and began nourishing her baby girl. 

            "I actually left of my own free will. There was a point in which I couldn't take the self-abuse anymore," sighed Elder Roberts.

            "Plenty of guys your age self-abuse. That's no reason to cancel a whole mission," remarked the woman. Gasping, Elder Roberts was flabbergasted at her blunt statement.

            "Haha, well, I mean in in a more emotional sense. Being out there, all alone, is torture," stated the young man.

            "My other brother, Gerard was missing his girlfriend so much. He was scared some guy was gonna snatch her up. Though, I dunno why he was all gaga over Stephanie, who is of loose morals, if you know what I mean," winked the young mother. 

            "...and here is my 3rd companion. He was overweight and frankly, couldn't keep up with the day-to-day rigours. Instead of Elder Pullman, I called him Elder Pudge-man," said Elder Roberts, who was showing Elaine, the young mother, pictures from his time in Minneapolis. Elaine's daughter was fast asleep in her carrier. 

            "It looked like you had a blast. No indication at all that you were homesick. You had a girlfriend waiting at home, right?" inquired Elaine. Pausing before answering, Elder Roberts deliberated in his mind whether to answer. What tipped the scales was his new-found commitment to being truthful and open.

            "I had someone waiting for me," beamed Elder Roberts.

            "What's her name?" nosily asked Elaine with piercing eyes. The young man drew a deep breath and replied,

            "His name is Kameron."

           "You're one of those...! Oh golly," exclaimed Elaine before giggling. "Is he hot? The reason I'm asking is to see whether he's worth the express ticket to hell,"

            "Quite." It was a little startling to Elder Roberts himself that he would be so frank, but he knew he'd have to get used to it.

            "Good, well, I see my mom. Good luck with the rest of your life, Elder Roberts," nodded Elaine as she picked up her daughter and went on her way.

            

            Left to his own devices, Elder Roberts' thoughts directed themselves to the last Saturday before he left. The scent of anchovy pizza still lingered from his last dinner with Kam...

            "A toast," declared Paul as his eyes met with Kameron while his hand held a raised can of soda.

     "To what, dude?" Kameron raised an eyebrow in playful scepticism. 

            "What else? Success in my current endeavors," Their cans made a clink when they met.

            "I think you're automatically predisposed to be a failure out there," smirked Kameron as he picked around the box for another piece of pizza.

            "Uh huh. How much are you gonna bet?" Paul's dare was too much to pass up.

            "$50, no joke." Reaching from his pocket, Kameron pulled out a genuine Ulysses S. Grant and dropped it on the table. Making a false display of shock, Paul then shook his head.

            "That should be inflation adjusted over 2 years."    

            "Shut up, you future MBA grad."

     "This future MBA will be your cash cow over time, mind you,"

     "This is why I love you, Paul," declared Kameron seemingly nonchalantly.

     "Because you're positioning yourself as a gold-digger?" chuckled Paul as he wiped a stray tomato stain on Kameron's upper lip.

     "Exactly."

     

           Elder Roberts' trance was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. Startled, he turned and saw his sweet mother and kind father. 

           "What? Dang! I missed you two so much," His parents gave him one of the warmest hugs he had ever received in ages. 

           "Same here, son," answered his dad. "When we received your letter, we were scared you were really depressed," 

           "Pshh, I'm here, ain't I?" quipped Elder Roberts as he simply took the moment in.

           "Hmm, I wouldn't guess," uttered his mother, "You've lost about 20 lbs."

           "Well, it was the stress. However, I want to explain the letter...now that I'm seeing you guys in person," Knowing he had to confront the issue head on, he thought now would be the time.

           "That won't be necessary. Have you forgotten the Roberts Family motto?" grinned his dad.

           "No Apologies," instinctively recited Elder Roberts. 

           "Indeed, the only thing that matters now is the present. You're gonna get back into school, get rich, get married, and give us some grandchildren. No questions asked and no excuses made." It was such a comfort to Elder Roberts seeing his parents still act in that same, pushy way that he had come to miss in Minneapolis.

           "Well, we aren't the only one who came to see you today," remarked his mom. Before Elder Roberts can process what she meant, Kameron came up from parking the Roberts' car. Not believing his eyes, Elder Roberts darted out of his seat to greet him.

           "Well, it looks like this is for you," A $50 bill was pulled out of Elder Roberts' wallet and placed into Kameron's hand

           "Pleasure doing business with you. However, my missionary didn't write me as much as he promised."

           "Whatever, he was out serving the Lord. No time to be thinking about significant others," 

           "You're gonna make it up to me, dude. Tonight. You owe me a Chicken Tetrazzini" 

           "I hate you, K." Smiling to himself, Elder Roberts remembered the words of Elaine: Good luck with the rest of your life. He started believing he didn't need the luck. 

           "Are we all set to go? Wifey Dear? Kameron? Elder Roberts?" asked Elder Roberts' dad.

           "It's Paul, dad. Time to cut ties with the past," After hearing his son's statement, Paul's dad nodded.

           "Well, Paul, this is the day it all begins," 

           

            Paul agreed with his dad. His days as Paul, not anybody else, begins now. 

THE END